- Lawrence, 28 We ordered chicken thighs and I asked her if she wanted ketchup, she said when she’s done drinking the juice in front of her I can order the ketchup. I asked if she knows what I was talking about, and she said yes, isn’t ketchup that drink that looks like Pepsi? Omo! I nearly fainted.
- Precious, 24: We met on Instagram and decided on having our first date at an ice cream parlor. Sadly, this guy wouldn’t stop talking about different ways in which I could lose weight after he saw me. He said I’m supposed to do like 40 press-ups just because I was taking a cup of ice cream. I lost it when he said, “if you follow my advice, you wouldn’t have to place your stomach on your thighs when sitting again”. I grabbed the two cups of ice cream that was on the table, threw them at him, and ran outside. The bike I took came at the perfect time, I threw him a huge “fuck you” when he tried coming after me.
- Lilian, 26: He was already seated before I arrived, I greeted him and apologized for coming late. However, he ignored me. He later told me it was because I only said “Hello” when I greeted him instead of saying “Good afternoon”. I apologized again. We conversed a little and I started glancing through the menu list, he snatched it from me and jokingly said he would pick for us because he doesn’t trust Nigerian girls. He picked salad which was the cheapest on the list, a plate of it was just N2500 and he ordered two plates with 2 bottles of water. I called the waiter and told him I would love to have jollof rice and juice with mine and I made payment for everything I got immediately. He became moody again but I didn’t care. He then said he noticed that I’m a feminist through my attitude and left the table angrily without paying for what he got. The waiter came to ask me for his money and I asked her if I gave her money for what I ate or not. She went after him but he was gone. Her loss!
- Abeeb, 27: Her bag dropped and about 10 condoms fell out of it with other things. I asked her why she has that many condoms, and she said she goes on dates with her condoms because she likes to order an amount of tood that could make any man vex and want to f’ck her on a first date, she added that she’s cool with it as long as she belle full and carry takeaway join. I had a quick flashback to when she told me she goes on a date at least twice a week. I calculated the number of guys she might have slept with between January and June and I couldn’t take it. She ended up ordering food and drink worth N47k. She asked if I wanted sex after. I can’t even kiss you lol!
- James, 30: She randomly asked me who I resemble between my mom and my dad, I told her I resemble my dad and she bursts out laughing. I was smiling too and was eagerly waiting for her to be done so l would know what was so funny. Only for this girl to say “no wonder you are so ugly, just pray your kids don’t look like you too”.
- Naomi, 28: I came down to Lagos from Enugu to see this man after chatting for two months online. We had our first date at a rooftop restaurant. We were in a middle of a conversation when a lady came around and sat behind us. This guy started acting restless and was twisting his neck to look at her. He suddenly stood up and went to her table, and they started chatting and laughing. This went on for almost 15 minutes while I was still seated. He came back and said, sheybi you and I are not dating yet and I’m allowed to still go and shoot my shot abi?”. I wanted to angrily walk away but who would pay for my flight back to Enugu?
- Oyin, 24: We went on a movie date, and he kept talking during the movie (which I hated). A scene came up where a character told her ex that her child wasn’t his. The next thing he did was to turn to me and say “if you ever do that to me, I’ll kill you. I just faced my front while doing “l am in danger” laughter.
- David, 27: I made sure I took her to one of the fanciest restaurants in my city but I wish I never did. We met on Instagram and I didn’t just fall in love with her fine face, I fell harder for her hot body. Unfortunately, she was the total opposite of what she looked like online, but still manageable sha. This girl finds everything I say or happening around us funny. The craziest part is that sh£ laughs like a faulty generator A couple came in and she started laughing. She laughed so hard that she fell out of her chair and was drooling like a toddler. All eyes were on us. Instead of me walking away immediately, I tried getting her to stand up. It was atter she did the same thing for the third time I realize that I was on a date with a Yabaleft patient. I had to run for my dear life.
- Yomi, 31 : Before our date, I asked if she would go for a Karaoke night, she said why Karaoke when we are not planning to go to war. She thought Karaoke was a type ot fight training. We ended up at a nice restaurant only for this girl to bring out her phone and started watching a Korean movie and charging at the same time. I asked why and she said she can’t eat without watching something. We finished eating and she started narrating the four-season Korean show that she was watching to me, she even listed the names of all her Korean crushes. I was just hearing Lee Min Ho, Ju Ju Pyo, Chang Chin Chu, Vin Zen Zo, or whatever they call them. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I wasted my money and strength to comman listen to all that nonsense.
- Alexia, 25: The mumu guy was trying to gossip about me to his friend but he mistakenly sent the message to me on WhatsApp with a picture of me looking so funny. In the message, he said “Guy, this girl no look like her picture at all at all, I no like her sef. She gets big yansh and breast sha so I go like knack her 2-3 times before I leave her. He also said he would disaappear if I order more than his budget. As soon as he realized that the message was sent to me, he froze for about a minute while staring right into his phone. The entire date was as quiet as a graveyard, and we couldn’t even look at each other. I finished my food and left the table, we never said a word to each other again ever since then.
- Kaothar, 27: I went on a date with a talkative who was ready to just say things unsolicitedly. He told me about the number of girls he had smashed and how he had fucked one of his exes more than how her future husband would ever fuck her. He asked me what my body count was and I told him 4, he screamed and said “and you’re not married yet, you would have had like 40 before you get married”. This is the same guy that told me he had had sex with about 30 girls before. I let that slide and focused on eating enough food. We finished eating and a bill of N31k was brought to our table. This guy said he only had NIOk with him and I told him I only had my transport fare. That’s how we sat down and we started doing “look me I look you” competition. Neither of us could stand up because we were stopping each other from trying to escape. Las las, he forcefully paid N26k and I added the remaining N5k. I’m never going out with a broke talkative again.
- Ngozi, 26: We had already concluded that we would have the date at his place but I called him a few hours into it that we should meet at a hotel restaurant instead. For some unknown reason, this guy’s penis will not rest. He had a hard-on from the beginning of our date till the end. When I first hugged him, I felt something hard around my lower abdomen, I grabbed it thinking it was something else, but it turned out to be his penis and I quickly apologized. It was so surprising. Omo! I continued peeking at it throughout our date hoping it would have come down but it was still gallant under his trouser and was very obvious. I wonder if that’s how he is all the time or maybe he took something. That was the only thing I concentrated on throughout the date, and the food.
- Lanre, 27 I met a lady on Instagram and we planned to go to a restaurant on our tirst date. She was already seated and taking juice when I arrived, we exchanged pleasantries and ordered the same meal which I paid for. We had a long conversation but I did most of the talking which I later regretted. I was telling her about how I became a millionaire last month and other money-related stutt, just to show her I’m not small o. We were ready to go back home and I saw this girl heading to the car parking lot. My chest did gbim gbim because l intended to step out and carry a bike while she finds her way home too. I didnt know I was on a date with an Odogwress. The Lexus she drives is maddd! She offered to drop me off at my junction. AC wan finish me, comman see me sitting in her car like a shy slay queen. She dropped me at Ajah and I couldn’t walk immediately because my legs were shaking due to shame. I texted her when I got home but she didn’t reply after an hour,I vexed and blocked her. Me sef go make ham one day.
- Dare, 25: lt was my tirst time in Nigeria atter many years. To satisfy my cravings, I told her before I came home that I would like us to have our first date at an Amala spot in lbadan. I witnessed the most shocking thing when this girl opened a bottle of coke with her teeth. l’ve heard about people doing it but I never saw it happening before, not to talk of seeing a girl doing it. She opened mine too. The girl next to our table jokingly asked her to help her too and she went ahead. That’s how people started cheering her and she kept opening for them. She gladly opened up to 12 bottles of coke in less than 3 minutes.I stopped talking to her afterward because I was not only embarrassed but scared for my penis cap.
- Mubby, 28: We planned to see a movie and visit a restaurant later that day. She showed up with a small travel box and I became curious. She told me not to worry about it. During the movie, I noticed she was feeling uneasy and started making some calls that sounded like she was expected to be somewhere else. She rushed out of the theater room and I followed. I waited close to the female restroom. She came out wearing another outfit entirely. She then told me she has another date, kissed me goodbye, and left immediately. I checked her WhatsApp status later that day and found out that she was proposed to a few hours after we departed. You need to see how this girl that just left my side was crying while collecting a diamond ring. This same girl told me she was single and needed a serious relationship. Bruhhhh!
- Grace, 23: I never found him attractive but he has money and was always eager to spend on me. Although I didn’t accept to date him yet I was leading him on and he was always treating me like his babe. I played along because of the benefits while I made sure we don’t have any physical intimacy, including kissing because I can be selective with who I kiss. We went to the cinema one Friday evening. During the movie, I started feeling his hand trailing down my shoulder which was fine. I didn’t know how it happened but I suddenly found my mouth inside his mouth, he was eating my lips with all his strength and was passionately pushing his tongue down my throat. This went on and on for about 2 minutes, and I almost cried. I never wanted that to happen. I wore my nose mask till the movie ended. He asked why and I told him the AC was entering my nose, I just had to say something.
- Charles, 28: I asked her to tell me about the weirdest thing she had done before and she said she relaxed her pubic hair. In case you are not getting me right, this girl said she applied relaxer, shampoo, and conditioner on her vagina hair. I asked her why and she said she doesnt like her pubic hair curly and thick. She said she has stopped doing that but only applies eco styling gel now to keep it straight! Whatttt??? Do girls treat their pubic hair like edges now?
- Bimbo, 25: I went on a date with this guy in Ibadan but we ended up at Agodi Gate Police Station. We met on Twitter, he had asked me out and I was hoping we would date after we meet, but it ended in tears. I love taking pictures, people around me know me very well for that. That day, I took pictures with my iPhone 8+ but I wasn’t feeling them, I asked him to snap me with his iPhone 13 Pro which he did. I collected his phone to see the pictures he took but I didn’t like them as well. I asked the girl behind me if she could help me take some pictures at the staircase since she’s a girl and she would know the perfect angles. I was still trying to arrange my legs when I noticed that the girl had disappeared with his Iphone 13 Pro. I ran inside to check if she had gone in but she was nowhere to be found. You need to see how this guy was sweating profusely, I knew I was in soup. After looking for the girl for over an hour, this guy dragged me to the police station. I was made to sign an agreement to pay him half of the phone price and I had to make part payment before I was released. Funny how something was telling me not to go out at all that day. I just finished paying last week.
